Dear Republican Party,
I’m writing you this letter because I care, and I want you to know that. I know you’re going through a difficult period. You’ve struggled with some painful losses recently, and now you’re not in the mood to play anymore. You want to break free, to be your own party. You don’t want to listen to what the responsible grown-ups tell you, you want to make your own decisions. But please try and listen to me, I have your best interests at heart.
I’ve noticed you spending more and more time with Donald recently, and to be honest, I’m a bit worried. I really don’t think he’s a suitable companion for you. There’s a reason nobody else wants to play with him. I don’t want to sound too harsh, but surely you’ve noticed that he’s a bit unusual? I know he’s rich, and that appeals to you. He’s got everything you ever wanted: his own tower, a golf course in Scotland, a total disregard for authority, but you should look deeper than that. Sure, he comes across as confident, with that swagger of his, but have you ever wondered why he keeps having to resort to name-calling, why he keeps calling everyone else a loser, even though he’s the one with that orange hue and the slightly crooked hairpiece? If you go with him, he’ll turn you away from everyone else, and nobody will want to hang out with you anymore. That would be a shame, because you really are lovely, deep down.
I’m writing this letter because I know you haven’t decided yet. You’re still in 14 minds about whether or not Donald is your best option. Even though I know you’re 35% sure, I’d like to appeal to your better senses, even if those senses are considering following Ted, who is just as negative an influence on you as Donald, and for many of the same reasons. You can still go the right way, still choose to become best friends with someone more worthy of your attention over the next year and a bit, and maybe more. It’s not too late.
How about John for example, that nice boy from Ohio who’s always talking about sharing and inviting the Democrats over across the aisle, to work together? Remember when you used to do that, back in the 90’s? You were so sweet when you all played together, and you really got a lot done. Or maybe Jeb? I know he has some bad stuff in his family history, but it seems to have mostly passed him by, even if he is a bit shy and awkward, and gets nervous in front of cameras. Hard to blame him, what with that brother of his. It’s tragic really. Or there’s Marco. I know you don’t really like immigrants, but I think if you took the chance, you’d find you have a lot of things in common. Maybe you should even try talking to Carly, that nice girl who used to work at HP? It might not be a bad idea for you to spend some more time around women. I mean, people have been talking, and I know how you feel about that sort of thing. Obviously I don’t mind, and I’d accept you either way, it’s just… as I say, maybe if you tried spending some time with a woman, it might help silence the rumours, and you might even enjoy it.
I know you hate it when people from outside try and tell you what to do, and I know that Ted and Donald will tell you that only they know what’s best for you, but try and trust me on this one.
Promise me you’ll think about it, ok? I’m always here for you if you need advice or someone to talk to.
Lots of love,
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-The Wandering Jew-